A good evening to you!
Last time, I have announced how busy this month would be and how there’d likely be not much art stuff to talk about – which it was. However, I have been feeling a sudden low, today, about a topic I haven’t fully embraced and talked about here but which has been bothering me for a while now and came back crashing down on me with serious doubts and fears.
Let’s first get this out of the way so I can finish this month’s reflection with more happy reminiscing of better times…
Towards the end of last year, everything AI related breached a massive wall in the public consciousness. We have witnessed how these tools were creating things most of us never would have expected AI could create – at the very least so soon. And at first they were received with great interest of their future capabilities but very soon after – also met with a great worry. And that worry was felt throughout the artist community.
I wouldn’t have worried, though, as the earliest products of these tools were laughably hideous to stand on their own. It wasn’t until the start of this year, that my stomach turned and I began to fret what was to become of Ai art in the future… Will it replace all digital work? Would creativity be limited to thoughtless prompts with random outcome? Would people grow to fame, boasting with Ai generated images that others would have spent days, if not weeks of manual work and then profiting off of them?
These thoughts haunted my mind in January, previously unspoken of, and depraved my creative process until I slowly got back into my usual habit of doing illustrations. More things happened and distracted me further from the topic, although they kinda always loomed over me like Damocles’ Sword.
I will not reiterate my journey this year, as it’s the job of my annual reflection to do that but to make things short: I had gained hope to be able to make a living with my art, that I could rely on my skills as an illustrator even if it would be merely a side-income. But, as you may have seen coming, these hopes have been severely damaged as I have seen my initial worries about the whole ordeal become more and more real.
As AI in art progresses further, it more and more improves; not merely simple bust-ups with bland background and horrid shading, but actual full-body pieces with fledged-out background, consistent shading and environmental interactions. And while I admire the technology behind it, the use of it in our culture is nothing but antagonizing. And sadly, our environment is not looking like it will put restrictions where they are drastically needed.
I am writing this, because I have spent almost a decade now, trying to hone my skills, not just for myself but also to persue it as a possible job in the future and at this rate, I do not think I will be able to keep up with this use of technology.
All this ads up to the great desperation of finding my purpose in life that has been torturing me for years. I can’t say for sure, that in the next ten years, I will be able to look back and say, I have spent my time wisely and it added up to a present I can feel comfortable in. I cannot name a single branch of the entertainment industry, which hasn’t been spoiled by exploitation and greedy management that would gladly take advantage of the method that breeds the biggest result for the least input. And sadly, I haven’t found much of another field to pursue aside from the hard-working, single freelance artist that cannot keep up with the constant demand of algorythms needing your input every week – better even: every day to keep you visible in the crowd.
This all probably sounds like a mess – to me, it is. So it is best to focus on what I do know, and that is: here, in the creative side of life, is where my passion lies. I would not be where I am at now, without my friends to get me through the day and inspire me further down the line. I wouldn’t be me, if I hadn’t used drawing to express myself and build my own little fantasy and let it come to life. And I wouldn’t call this life livable if there was nothing to pursue aside from a healthy living standard provided by a stable income. What I have never found – my purpose – was in fact always altered by my passion. And it will continue to guide me, even if that means taking alternative routes in the same direction.
It probably isn’t the answer I was looking for, but prior to starting this journal, just feeling the need to let something out of my system was enough to motivate me a little more with a little less. And it probably helps just to see the possibilities and accepting there is no time in the world to see them all play out.
Now, this was something. Let’s all take a deep breath to get some distance from this topic, shall we?
(maybe just one more paragraph)
There.
As I mentioned, this was a mere day in many this month. And it so happens to have a bit of existential crisis in it. Because this already is going on for too long and it is getting quite late, I will try to be brief with the rest.
First off, Eurofurence. It didn’t feel as impactful and exciting as was my first con last year but I did enjoy myself very much. With each stay, I feel more and more how I’m growing as a person. A big step up from a year ago for sure! I wanted to visit more panels but never felt I was wasting any time. No PCD either, which is nice, of course.
The second week of vacation, as mentioned last month, would be spent in Italy. Which was very enjoyable, especially food-wise. It was more of a rural region, far off from the usual tourist magnets so it was quite a different vacation… it was hard to converse, as only rarely people spoke English so in a way, it was a bit isolating. Learnign a bit of Italian would be preferrable for the next trip there but I know I can barely keep up with my current goals…
The in-between time of vacations was used to prepare for Dealer’s Den in December. I got a checklist up and running now and been working on refining selected illustrations for print, which are almost all finished.
On the side, I have been brainstomring ideas for other merch and while still rather lacking motives, I have gathered some interesting concepts to work out next month… which I’ll urgently have to realize.
On the flipside, I somehow found the time to do a portrait of myself and an attempt of a redesign at that. I am not quite there as to feel just right with the design, but the elongated head with tipped-beak shape as much earlier in the process of designing this sona, is now much closer to what I want to be associated with him. The second big decision made here, was to get rid of complicated tattoos nobody (not even I) wants to draw and instead give a much more intensive, yet flamboyant tiger pattern on the whole body… which I am not quite sure about how I feel with it. It certainly is neat but I will definitely consider a more serious redesign attempt once I have more time on my hands…
Alright, I have found an end to this journal finally. My eyelids are growing heavier by the minute and I have still not finished up packing my stuff to move back to my study place tomorrow.
Let this quite turbulent thought-ride ease out now and lay back for a while, get rest and dive into a soft cloud of deep thoughts.
I will return to this table at the end of October, which will probably continue the tradition of being a wild month for me and my work schedule.
Until then, sleep.
~ Souvillaine