For many, 2021 was probably nothing more but a sequel to last year; the pandemic is still pretty much around and so far, there is no end in sight. It’s a bit depressing to accept it to become a normality now but it’s all you can do. However, it’s been very different for me, as it marked a transitional period in my life: from homesitting dude with vague aspirations to homesitting dude with a study place AND vague aspirations! 😀
My – so far – two semesters have helped me adapt a more professional outlook in life. I don’t merely scuffle around anymore, I am looking for opportunities to help me further while being more open about myself and the skills I bring to the table. Yet I am still figuring out where my strengths and weaknesses are; it’s all a constant learning experience, really. It just happens to be overloaded with a very tight flow of constant work to be done that acts as blinders for my perception and outlook of anything BUT work. I can’t help but feel a little bit enslaved by this workload as it’s actively prohibiting me from focusing on the private training like drawing / painting exercise that I feel I need to grow as an artist – the same mindset that I had started this year with.
I couldn’t help but feel a stagnation over time that I thoroughly described in October’s Reflection; I scrapped more concepts than in any other year beforehand, my work process got slower and I’ve grown more and more insecure about the outlook of my art. Looking back at last year’s reflection, I noticed it might be because I had nobody that I wanted to impress but myself. I kept believing the journey an artist undertakes is a procedural one where every step forward means a closer step to better work with the occasional two steps back. And it crept up to me more and more; the fright of wandering in the wrong direction and this fright caused me to panic and lose track of what I had. I feel now I am a bit more certain that too much thought is more hindering than helpful. When comparing myself to the one I was two years ago, I yearned for this passion – this creative flow that I indulged in – and kept wondering what had happened ever since I have sent my portfolio to school for application, blaming a lack of orientation but maybe… maybe it was this thought that I just couldn’t let go of being afraid and being insecure what good my work would do for my journey. It isn’t the thought that I put in before or during a project that counts, it’s the reflection on the finished work that drives you forward. It was the thought of failure alone that failed me and I should allow myself to make failures. I should indulge in my mistakes to learn from them. This thought constructed itself through the tasks I have done throughout 21, starting with my early sketch studies that quickly became daily, which I achieved to follow through 94 consecutive days. Many very nice sketches came out of this endeavor as well as a whole bunch of speedpaintings that helped me grasp a better sense of lighting and material and increased my skill to apply colour and lay down brushstrokes on a painting. I just don’t think this constant need to fill a sketch folder is good to keep up for so long; they take away a lot of time that could be used on projects and sometimes the need to finish a page got quite exhausting. I think finding a good balance here could help me greatly. I’m thinking of a timeframe of 3 days to work on a little project with the first day being the sketch-phase and the rest being the execution. If woven into a weekly routine, this could be a nice way to keep up productivity, fulfill my exercises and staying simple and down to earth with what is achievable so I don’t get frustrated if it wouldn’t work out and just keep going… And it should allow myself enough time to work on projects… that is, if school allows me enough time anyways.
The next semester will bring me into fully uncharted territory as I have no former experience with music- or (proper) filmmaking and if the workload will be as big as it is this semester, I fear time will be a big influence I cannot control. But it’s something I simply have to accept.
At least I can happily say that I fulfilled most of 20’s resolutions, the only thing I couldn’t was to flesh out Souvillaine’s worldbuilding. At least so far, I could work a little on Zalumnee’s and Zavi’s though I yet have to portray any of it. When I’ll finally get some free time in February, I want to write out a chapter of their stories and see where I can get it from there. Of course, my wish is to tend to all my means from writing and drawing to 3D modelling equally but that never worked out and I have doubts it would be any different now. At least I can try to do as much as possible, since I have got a couple of unfinished business from this year. Jasper’s story is developing too, although vaguely and I failed to bring it to the canvas this year and I have my xeno character still in the concept phase, Zavi’s new ref sheet will be postponed for after I have settled with her new setting and Souvillaine’s design hasn’t changed enough to qualify for a new ref sheet either (honestly I really like the way he looks still and will let him develop for another year).
And in hindsight, I’m not disappointed in the works I produced this year at all. Heck, I even managed to like something enough to print it and hang it up my wall! While there were only half as many finished projects, all these speedpaintings and sketch pages are hard to overlook. All traditions from the Fruit Hat piece to the Vulture Awareness day have been kept, Artfight still was quite endearing and I could do something small for friends’ birthdays at least. All in all, a quite good year all things considered. There are a couple of road works I want to attend to like tailoring my techniques to different projects depending where they’re better suited and have a clearer way of shading characters in scenes as well as following that 3-day project exercise to see if it’s the right approach to my arting. I definitely don’t want to have another year set in this weird state of fear where to develop, let it flow, see what happens.
I also have felt a yearning to return to the themes of some of my 2018-2019 times, maybe make a ‘draw-this-again’ thing, which I have effectively rejected until now. Then, keeping up the traditions is self-explaining; Art Fight always gives me energy and is so fun to do, the Fruit hat piece shows my evolving style every year (and looks fabulous) and I yet haven’t run out of vultures to paint for the awareness day.
Hmm this makes me feel all excited now ^v^
I will close the journal by wishing you all very nice New Year’s Eve celebrations and hope next year will be a nice one.
Sincerely, your Souvillaine~